Photos, or rather, taking them, used to serve as a creative outlet for me and I felt so “artsy” when I first started out. As you grow in skill and length of time doing it, many realize that very few photographs or techniques are truly unique or new. That doesn’t mean you should give up taking pictures if it brings you joy or stop trying to create. What I’m saying is that over time, I felt it becoming less creative and more task-like. Arguably, I was taking better photographs than ever when I decided to stop, but I didn’t have the passion or excitement that “creativity” used to give me.

In some ways, the need to please clients and the waning creativity of it felt like a prison. But today, my kids brought home their school photos and I realized that photos can elicit so many responses or feelings, even when you did not push the shutter button.

Seeing Henry’s “big” teeth and his gelled hair paired with a sport coat and more defined features filled me first with a sense of awe – how beautiful was this being that I created and how marvelous that God gave him to me, of all people?! I think this is a pretty normal reaction for a proud mother to have. My next emotion surprised me, though.

When I looked at his handsome face a little longer, I grew sad. Sad that he is growing up and my baby is changing would be expected and possibly “normal.” No, that’s not where my sadness came from. I was sad that here is this impossibly perfect child, who will grow up in a world where people are mistreated, where the environment is probably ruined forever, where he’ll have to navigate toxic masculinity among his peers, where so many put their self interests above the good of all. He will be tested, he will suffer, he’ll be faced with difficulties brought about by my generation and those before me.

ugh.

His changing school photo reminded me that I don’t have as much time to do or fix all the things I promised him when he was just a belly bump. I pledged to do what I could to make this world a better place for both of the little lovelies I introduced to this world. My time is running out.

And yet, I also know these kiddos are resilient. They’re brilliant and remarkable and kind. Perhaps the better world I promised them will come from their efforts as much as mine. There is nothing that would make me prouder… not even a gorgeous smile in a school photo.