For someone who wants to write a blog that speaks to and moves people through shared experiences, I am not great at putting myself out there. I need to learn how to be vulnerable in my brokenness. Admittedly, I am terrified of anyone reading this. That’s not because I don’t want to share – I love sharing, sharing is the best, I’m on over-sharer every day – no, it’s because I want so badly to know that what I’ve said made a difference, that I connected in some small way with someone who felt similarly. Doing the work and not connecting, or worse, having it poorly received, are my worst nightmares.

As a perfectionist, I feel I can’t share anything with you until it’s publish-worthy. I can’t share post one until post 273 is ready. There shouldn’t be any posts until I have the perfect photo to accompany it. I want a blog that is built-out and already meets your need when you arrive. Something that makes me seem like an old and empathetic friend. But that’s not realistic and dreaming about connection and helping doesn’t connect and help. Doing is what matters.

Wanting to feed the hungry and using your hands to serve at a community kitchen are vastly different. The same goes for me – I need to commit words to the page and share them to help people with my story. Wanting to do it, but failing to take action, helps no one.

And still I hesitate. I re-read each sentence and shake my head. How can I be so stupid? No one wants to read your dribble. I remind myself that that voice isn’t true. She’s vicious, the voice in my head, but she isn’t always right. Or is she?

Now you know my secret – I live with a voice in my head that is cruel and unrelenting. She tells me that if I pour my heart out, someone will trample it and they should because it’s not worthy. I’m not worthy. She makes me question everything about myself – the things that make me who I am.

Bit by bit I will stand up to her and to my perfectionism and ask “So what if I don’t know what the next post will be about, or when it will be written?” Telling my story with the hopes of helping someone else, the hopes of building a community UP is what matters. I can’t do it if I don’t start.

This is me starting. It will make me the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been because rejection awaits. But you can’t grow and see the beauty if you aren’t willing to leave what you are now behind.